She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
