so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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