Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
