Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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