I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
