I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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