If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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