i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
