New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
