i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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