Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Damn victory sex feels great
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
