I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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