his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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