I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
