I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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