So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
