is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
