My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Be still, my beating vagina.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
