ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
