He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
