I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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