I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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