Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
