you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
