Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
