I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
the raccoons are back...
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