Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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