Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Green mimosas i think yes
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
