mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
