tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
