I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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