Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
