I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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