I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
