I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
