Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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