I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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