I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
