Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
