On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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