I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
