listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
