If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
