if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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