listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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