She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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