If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
