Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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