DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
