we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
