Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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