I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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