So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
