in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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