Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
