we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
