is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
