Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
