I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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