pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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